Incident at Heganahalli - Part 1

Author's Note: Three points. Firstly although the actual dialogues were in Kanada and Desi Englees all of them have been translated to English here for the ease of the reader. Please call your local police station for the original version. Secondly all swear words have been edited out and replaced with 'family audience' friendly words. Call your local police station for more details about the actual swear words. Thirdly, the story is set in Bangalore as homage to my friends there. But it might have been any other Indian city as well.

I woke up that day to the sound of my wife's gargles.

"I haf pacd Bisi Bele Bhad fo yor lunh," she said before spitting out through our window.

"Today is already turning out great," I mumbled and staggered to our bathroom.

"Goodbye kano," she said and smiled at me as she stepped out of the house.

With a grunt I dismissed her. I hated that she had to work. "If only her [popular four letter verb/noun/..]-er father had given more when I married her."

My daily morning routine consists of a 4 km jog, several sit ups, push ups and chin ups before elaborate weight lifting exercises followed by a bath and breakfast. But today I was already too late, so I skipped a few steps and went directly to an elaborate breakfast. Don't think this happened everyday, sometimes I did take a bath.

I hurriedly changed into my uniform and rushed to the station. It was OK that I was almost 45 minutes late, but any more and it would have been less than one hour before my tea break and that would have made me feel guilty. After signing the attendance register, I went to the station entrace and stood guard like I did every other day. I don't know why the Heganahalli police station needed a guard at the entrance. Only a militant would dare attack the station and in case of any sign of such an attack I would definitely drop my rifle and run screaming into the station. "Hmm, may be that is what they want me to do. To warn the others so that they can also run."

These same thoughts occur to me everyday, I thought. They usually precede very warm thoughts about saar, Inspector Anbu Valsan, my greatest enemy. That [question parentage] was the reason I was on guard duty . The [the popular four letter word]-er put me here instead of Manjunath, just because he is his wife's cousin. That cheap [very subtle hint at oedipus complex]. I was sweating profusely and was trembling with rage. I just needed to hold on for a few more minutes till the boy brought hot tea and masala vada to cool me down. Then the cycle would repeat till lunch.

It was a public secret that the son of a [question mother's species] kept a tube of Fair and Lovely and a Sandalwood scented 'scent' in his desk drawer. The latter would be used whenever anybody from the fairer sex made the mistake of coming alone to the station. After being intimidated by the lecherous glares of the constables outside they inevitably ended up in the inspector's office hoping for a serving of justice. Instead they got served a full meal of spicy smooth talk from the philandering son of a [question mother's species again].

When the tea boy finally came I went to the head constable's desk for an extra vada. He was chatting with another constable. "You know about the spat between Bageerappa and Madheya Gowda? Bageerappa has vowed to ruin Gowda it seems."

"Yah, I heard saar. Gowda was stupid to help [opposition party name] during the election."

"Yah, right. And there is also a rumor going around that Gowda's bars are selling food and liquor contaminated with swine flu. "

"Is it?", I exclaimed. I had met many of my closest friends at Gowda's Top Star Bar; Kalyani, Kingfisher, McDowells, RC and several others. Infact I had gone there to renew our friendship just the previous night. Did I have the deadly flu? Was it possible? How did it get in the liquor? I was scared.

"Shambu you didn't go to Top Star did you?" Seeing the expression on my face he laughed, a wholehearted unconstrained laugh that shook his giant pot belly and by contact his table. The tremors caused his tea glass to topple and spill on his table.

I barely heard all the profanities spewed by the HC while I walked back to my post.

[23 yawns later]

Constable Manjunath was running to the station screaming, "They attacked Anbu saar. They attacked Anbu saar." On seeing no change in my countenence he proceeded into the station and repeated his chant. He said some party workers had stopped the inspector's jeep when he was returning from Jyothi Nivas college and threw stones at him. I couldnt care less, why did he have to go to that college anyway? It was almost 15 kms away and he went there everyday.

Then the jeep arrived and Anbu ran into his office to look in the mirror he kept at his desk. He was furious when he saw a small bloody swelling on his forehead. The wound he had on his shoulder from which he bled all over his uniform didn't seem to bother him.

"Get me constable Shambu," he growled.

continued in part 2.....

Karunesh

Nothing much to write here except that the music of Karunesh is heavenly. Its refreshing and unique; a wonderful mix of Indian, chinese and western music. He is not Indian like I had thought at first. He is a German who had a spiritual trip in India after a serious biking accident and was indoctrinated by Osho. But the music sounds predominantly Indian and I love it. My favourites so far:

Punjab http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqiI0gTA134

Alibaba http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3n-LQfmsn0

Solitude http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dSiL5wSZf4

Bombay pure http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJaGdGa2qSA

The genre is world music/relaxation/dance.

Past Positive, Present Hedonist and Future Oriented

Earlier today I watched this talk by Philip Zimbardo Professor Emeritus at Stanford. He gives us a unique viewpoint on how we view time and how it affects our life along with statistical evidence. Some part of it might seem intuitively evident but naming the different states and showing us how much our time perception influences our life is a great achievement. One interesting part of the talk was about how people near the equator are present hedonist (too much of that is not good) while people away from it are future oriented on account of the stable weather and the wildly varying weather in the two areas.

Scientology, Stupidity

When I was a fresh graduate after my undergrad studies I used to believe that education would cure most of world's problems. In retrospect I see how naive it was of me. I had the notion that the US is a rich country with an educated population where things are close to prefect barring a few exceptions. I thought people here would not be easily swayed by false idealogies. Then two incidents changed my mind. First was Tom Cruise's Scientology inspired psycho rants. Here was an educated, successful man who was somehow subverted by this nasty religion. It is a powerful religion with several celebrities (and lawyers) enrolled. How could this happen? Second was the evolution vs intelligent design debate which was even worse. It was a sad day when established scientists had to oblige to debate with religious zealots who thought they were qualified after a few hours of reading on the net. The best answer to these morons is here.

From what I know, the first time the truth about Scientology was revealed was in South Park season 9 episode 12. It is an amazing episode and I suggest you watch it at www.southparkstudios.com. Scientology spreads by preying on peoples' insecurities. I have myself seen their special meter when I was in Tampa. They seemed innocuous and I believe the first trial is free. Once they get someone hooked on to it they start asking for money. They frame charges against anyone who opposes them and discredit any former followers who reveal their secrets. Sounds like it does not have any ideals of justice like other religions. According to this article they regularly engage in violence and are more fraudulent than I had thought.

Education is obviously not enlightenment, only a means to it. Though literacy is becoming widespread don't think that stupidity central, the dark force that turns unsuspecting people stupid, is taking it lying down. It constantly reinvents itself and mutates into disguises that dupe the masses into taking it for wisdom. Think of the global warming disbelievers, intelligent design proponents and most troubling, the republicans. This is ofcourse not limited to the US. The ongoing Hindutva movement that has hit the educated Indian middle class is IMHO an example (not equating hindutva and scientology here). The richest Indians are probably outside the country. They are highly educated and very succesful people. And they do selective abortions in us and uk even after living for generations in cultures where a girl child is not viewed as a burden.

So where is all this going? To the Dilbert principle ofcourse. People are stupid. You, me, all of us. Its just that some of us are not stupid all the time.

Mighty Roark

Prologue: I have obliged your appeals for a new story. Please stop bombarding me with requests and enquiries about my hiatus from creative writing.

Roark was perched on a shiny precipice when suddenly it was not dark anymore. He scrambled to the nearest shade and took a peek. Though it was blindingly bright he could make out that one of the giants was out there. The shadow of the creature seemed to stretch over the entire horizon. Then it moved towards him. Roark could feel his heart skip a few beats. As it neared him the stench was overwhelmingly nauseating. Fear creeped up over him and it took him all his will power to be still. He knew what would happen if the creature saw any sign of life down here.

It was on a similar day that he had witnessed the massacre of his entire family. One of the younglings who didn't know about the giants was playing outside when one of them appeared along with the blinding light. The youngling panicked and ran back towards the family. He didn't know that the giant's gaze had followed him. In less than a moment they were all mercilessly crushed.

"May be the same would happen to me now," Roark thought rather placidly.

The giant stopped. Something had slipped from his limbs and large yellow globules bounced off the earth making such a ruckus that Roark thought his head would explode. The giant for some reason quickly ran away. Roark felt his fear pass. He was emboldened by the fact that he anyway did not have much to loose. He cautiously walked towards the globules and climbed over one of them. There were many of these wonderful globules scattered over the earth. He seemed to be enthralled by them more and more every minute. Then he took a bite out of it. It felt good, refreshing in fact. He took many more bites of the globule. He gorged on it like he did not care about anything else in this world. He feasted till he knew there was no place left in his stomach for any more. Then he ate some more. The only thought he had before he passed out was that for the first time he took something from them, the giants. He had had his revenge. He was glad.

Next to Roark lay a translucent object with jagged edges on which was a pattern he had not been able to discern. That pattern was "ITAMIN TABL".

"AAHHHHHH." Roark had woken up to terrible pain. There was a storm trying to burst every vein and sinew in his body. In between the violent outbursts of pain he could see that he was growing, with terrible speed. He was transforming or even metamorphosising. He was several times taller and his muscles were at least a hundred times bigger. His wings were a magnificent orange and his antennae were needles of steel. Thus was born the MIGHTY ROACH - protector of the cockroach realm.

Yeesh..... Rubbish. I don't feel like writing today. Sorry readers I am stuck with cockroaches. As compensation I give you this, a story I wrote for a creative writing contest in my old office. Topic was 'Creating our future'. Reproduced with all errors intact.

Creating our future

It was a creepy night... Jark's severed head was rolling down the hill. His wife Julie was singing maniacally "Jark and Julie went up the hill....... Jark is now rolling down the hill". And then she started trembling and cried "Jark come back, come back Jark".

::Flash back: 2 months ago::
Captain Zork was adamant. He wanted his son Jark to join the intergalactic flight school. He always told him "Son this is for your future.... I just want you to be happy". Jark wanted to run away from home to join the circus as a clown. But his love for Julie stayed him. Julie was his childhood sweetheart.

The next morning he went to see Julie. "I cannot live like this. You know how much I want to be a clown, but if I become a clown I might not be able to support you. Oh! What should I do?"

With tears in her eyes Julie said "Your father cannot decide your destiny. We create our future. My destiny is to be with you. So I will join you in the circus and become your partner clown."

Suddenly it started to rain heavily and Jark and Julie were dancing.........

::Flash back: 2 minutes ago::
Two clowns where running up a hill one behind the other. Jark was running for his life. Julie was behind him with a laser gun. They reach the summit. Jark stops. Panting heavily he says "Have you gone crazy?".

Julie aims for his head and fires. The heat ray slices his neck in two. Julie starts singing maniacally......

::NOW::
Julie runs to the well and calls out to Jark. Jark shouts back "I am chained to the well. Shoot at the chains with your laser."

ZAP....ZAP....

{Yes dear readers the real Jark is alive and well. His father had sent an imposter wearing a rubber mask to kill Julie, but she proved to be smart.}

Jark looks at the azure sky and then at his beautiful sweetheart and asks "How did you know it was not me?".

"I didn't."

ZAP....ZAP....

Julie repeated her chant as Jarks head (the real Jarks head) was rolling down the hill "Jark and Julie went up the hill....... Jark is now rolling down the hill. I am no longer a clown. HA HA HA"

We make our future the way we want it, especially if we have a laser gun.

Epilogue: Don't be shocked . I took it as a chance to feed them back all the shit they shoved at me. I e-mailed the work to our HR as follows:

Hi Shurpanaka (name changed to not cause offence),

Attached is my entry for creative writing. I give more importance to participation than winning, but if you want give me a prize for this (??) I will reluctantly accept.
Regards,
Manu

The phantom chick

I usually try to avoid putting up silly events from my daily grind. But the one you are about to read is in no way silly. Its more like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

 

I was boiling eggs for today's dinner when I heard a soft clicking sound from the kitchen. I was afraid we had rats or some other infestation and so went closer to check. From up close it sounded more like chirping. It was coming from the vessel I was boiling eggs in. I lifted it up and checked if there was anything behind it.

 

Nothing.

 

On top of that when I lifted the vessel the chirping increased. There was no doubt; the sound was coming from the eggs. But how? Was there a chick in there? I quickly drained the water.

 

The chirping stopped. I took the eggs/chick in a shell and checked it against a light but couldnt see anything. I tried shaking it, all the while imagining a tiny chick getting knocked around in the shell. But I didn't feel anything solid inside them. There was nothing in them that could have made that sound. I was confused for a second. I finally cracked open all of them to convince myself.

 

After reading all this you might think that I am crazy. I thought so too. I think every once in a while we are faced by such a profound experience that we question the world around us. We ask if we really know whats going on and if something slipped under the veal of reality and manifested in front of you. My tryst with the phantom chick was such a moment. 

 

Also let me clarify that I didn't steal the eggs from some farm. It came from a store where they are supposed to sell unfertilized eggs. So in retrospect I see that there was no way a chick could have been in there. Consider also the fact that the eggs might have been in packaging for several weeks. There is however this. May be the chick was just floating through this space when I heard the sound.