Author's Note: Three points. Firstly although the actual dialogues were in Kanada and Desi Englees all of them have been translated to English here for the ease of the reader. Please call your local police station for the original version. Secondly all swear words have been edited out and replaced with 'family audience' friendly words. Call your local police station for more details about the actual swear words. Thirdly, the story is set in Bangalore as homage to my friends there. But it might have been any other Indian city as well.
I woke up that day to the sound of my wife's gargles.
"I haf pacd Bisi Bele Bhad fo yor lunh," she said before spitting out through our window.
"Today is already turning out great," I mumbled and staggered to our bathroom.
"Goodbye kano," she said and smiled at me as she stepped out of the house.
With a grunt I dismissed her. I hated that she had to work. "If only her [popular four letter verb/noun/..]-er father had given more when I married her."
My daily morning routine consists of a 4 km jog, several sit ups, push ups and chin ups before elaborate weight lifting exercises followed by a bath and breakfast. But today I was already too late, so I skipped a few steps and went directly to an elaborate breakfast. Don't think this happened everyday, sometimes I did take a bath.
I hurriedly changed into my uniform and rushed to the station. It was OK that I was almost 45 minutes late, but any more and it would have been less than one hour before my tea break and that would have made me feel guilty. After signing the attendance register, I went to the station entrace and stood guard like I did every other day. I don't know why the Heganahalli police station needed a guard at the entrance. Only a militant would dare attack the station and in case of any sign of such an attack I would definitely drop my rifle and run screaming into the station. "Hmm, may be that is what they want me to do. To warn the others so that they can also run."
These same thoughts occur to me everyday, I thought. They usually precede very warm thoughts about saar, Inspector Anbu Valsan, my greatest enemy. That [question parentage] was the reason I was on guard duty . The [the popular four letter word]-er put me here instead of Manjunath, just because he is his wife's cousin. That cheap [very subtle hint at oedipus complex]. I was sweating profusely and was trembling with rage. I just needed to hold on for a few more minutes till the boy brought hot tea and masala vada to cool me down. Then the cycle would repeat till lunch.
It was a public secret that the son of a [question mother's species] kept a tube of Fair and Lovely and a Sandalwood scented 'scent' in his desk drawer. The latter would be used whenever anybody from the fairer sex made the mistake of coming alone to the station. After being intimidated by the lecherous glares of the constables outside they inevitably ended up in the inspector's office hoping for a serving of justice. Instead they got served a full meal of spicy smooth talk from the philandering son of a [question mother's species again].
When the tea boy finally came I went to the head constable's desk for an extra vada. He was chatting with another constable. "You know about the spat between Bageerappa and Madheya Gowda? Bageerappa has vowed to ruin Gowda it seems."
"Yah, I heard saar. Gowda was stupid to help [opposition party name] during the election."
"Yah, right. And there is also a rumor going around that Gowda's bars are selling food and liquor contaminated with swine flu. "
"Is it?", I exclaimed. I had met many of my closest friends at Gowda's Top Star Bar; Kalyani, Kingfisher, McDowells, RC and several others. Infact I had gone there to renew our friendship just the previous night. Did I have the deadly flu? Was it possible? How did it get in the liquor? I was scared.
"Shambu you didn't go to Top Star did you?" Seeing the expression on my face he laughed, a wholehearted unconstrained laugh that shook his giant pot belly and by contact his table. The tremors caused his tea glass to topple and spill on his table.
I barely heard all the profanities spewed by the HC while I walked back to my post.
[23 yawns later]
Constable Manjunath was running to the station screaming, "They attacked Anbu saar. They attacked Anbu saar." On seeing no change in my countenence he proceeded into the station and repeated his chant. He said some party workers had stopped the inspector's jeep when he was returning from Jyothi Nivas college and threw stones at him. I couldnt care less, why did he have to go to that college anyway? It was almost 15 kms away and he went there everyday.
Then the jeep arrived and Anbu ran into his office to look in the mirror he kept at his desk. He was furious when he saw a small bloody swelling on his forehead. The wound he had on his shoulder from which he bled all over his uniform didn't seem to bother him.
"Get me constable Shambu," he growled.
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