Underappreciated movies part 2

All right. I am writing this because I have nothing else to do. Its my summer leave and right now I don't have much else to do than sleep and eat. So here is the continuation to the sensational post (link) that had hit the blogosphere like a level 5 tornado.

Don Juan Demarco


It bombed at the box office and got mediocre reviews, but I loved it. Johnny Depp plays the titular role of the worlds greatest lover. Actually he is a delusional schizophrenic who dons the personality of the famous character when a centerfold he is obsessively in love with shuns him as a creep. In the opening sequence he displays his charm by seducing a woman at a restaurant and then shows his insanity by trying to suicide because his true love does not want him. He is taken to a mental hospital by Marlon Brando, a successful psychiatrist who is about to retire.

In each evaluation session Depp narrates his imagined life story (some very funny scenes there). Brando's character slowly gets enraptured by Depp's incredible vision of reality. He soon enjoys a reinvigorated marital life by increasingly thinking like his delusional patient. I cant help but think that people will be happier if they are delusional or ignorant of reality. Sure reality will catch up with you once in a while and deliver a sucker punch. But that's OK.

Ladies should especially enjoy this movie (I think they are the target audience), it has some very interesting dialogues. For example once Depp says "Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself, and now must feed it or burst?". And yes that Bryan Adams song is the sound track of this movie.

Great Expectations


We all know the story. Fisher boy meets beautiful but bitchy Estella and falls in love. Boy never forgets her, gets rich. The girl grows up into a succubus kind of hell spawn and tramples over the boys heart. But he still loves her. Finally she develops more humane feelings and there is a possibility for a happy ending. I like the movie because it is superbly artistic. The cinematography both in Florida and New York, background score, settings/props and costumes are all fantastic. View it only for that, if you expect a realistic portrayal of the Dickens's masterpiece don't bother watching this adaptation. Also Gweneth Paltrow is very convincing as the heart breaker.

Guna


Here is another Tamil movie that has been completely ignored. It is not a masterpiece. It is a brutally realistic film about a mad man (Kamal Hassan) who is obsessively in love with an imaginary celestial beauty he calls Abhirami. There is no glorification of the hero, he is simply a mad man. He meets a beautiful lady and is wrongfully made to believe that she is his Abhirami. He ends up abducting her and hiding in a jungle. She begins to see that he almost worships her and that his love for her is boundless and she falls for him in spite of his insanity. In the jungle they both refuse to accept reality and the mad man's delusions are all that matter to them. Very good acting and a few melodious songs add to the credits of the movie.

Old Boy


It hasn't escaped me that the three movies listed above all have similar story lines. Old Boy is not like any of those. In fact its not like any other movie I have seen so far. It is a terrifying story about the meaninglessness of revenge and has superb acting and direction. A small problem is that it is a Korean movie, but subtitled versions are available. I think a Hollywood remake is on its way. I am not going to describe the plot, just go ahead and watch it. Interestingly there was an unofficial remake (read copy) of the movie made in Bollywood called Zinda. This is fairly common in that talentless desert. When a original movie does come out of there it is drowned in a sea of mediocre or worse movies. I will respect them and their movies the day they respect others.

Indy's back, wish he had stayed put

What a waste of money. Definitely the stupidest movie I have seen in a long time. Even hardcore fans are going to have a hard time trying to like this one. I had enjoyed raiders of the lost arc and the last crusade. I found temple of doom to be horrible, especially so because I am Indian. The crystal skull is just plain dumb. The movie has a few good moments, it has the feel of the old movies but the plot must have been made up by a 12 year old. It does have a surprising end, it starts off as a good movie but when it ends everyones wonders wtf?? Do yourselves a favor and stay away from the theatres or go watch Prince Caspian. 

Tale of interviews: The last rejection

Nvidia too has rejected me now. Before the interview I had searched the web for their usual questions and found them to be easy. But the interviewer seemed to have his own method. He asked questions on one of my projects and tried to probe deeper into the area of computer architecture to gauge my knowledge. On seeing that everything was hollow in there he threw me an easy question:
Given 4 registers A,B,C and D write to B in such a way that the bits in C that correspond to 1's in A are copied to B and bits in D that correspond to 0's in A are copied in linear time.

He also asked me something about mutex and semaphores....... blah blah. But I still wonder why they took 10 days to make a decision about me. And yah the interview was for a software intern in device drivers development for their mobile team.

The Frivolity of Evil

http://www.city-journal.org/html/14_4_oh_to_be.html

This is an excellent essay by Theodore Dalrymple. In my opinion man is inherently evil, but society is not. Each new outbreak of evil is met with rejigged notions of virtue, new stigmas and taboos while older ones are discarded. Under these new constraints men behave humanely untill some new form of wickedness catches on. The more alike an individual's notion of goodness is to that of society the less evil he is.

This is why there is no invariant definition of evil. For example if we take a good man from the 19th century and set him in a contemporary society he would quickly be outcast for mistreating women and children. May be in the future after being severely deprived of natural resources and suffering from ubiquitous pollution, even lighting a fire, the fire that is hailed to have started human civilization and is sometimes worshipped, will be considered a vice.

BLOODY Rambo

When First Blood released in 1982 it was a huge hit and it sparked off two sequels in the next 6 years. The second part was forgettable with an improbable gun totting, pencil thin heroine and part 3 was pure torture. In retrospect its even ludicrous considering that Rambo liberates Afghan Mujaheddin freedom fighters from the clutches of the evil Soviets.

Twenty years after the last sequel comes part 4. Stallone must have been hoping to rejuvenate his waning career. Or may be he is trying to make a lasting impression, his final contribution to cinema. Let's hope its the latter. The first few minutes were the usual. Rambo is leading a retired life in Thailand where he catches cobras for a living. He also drives a boat. The unwilling hero is urged to help a charity mission and after much pleading he reluctantly agrees. I think that pleading scene is the only one in the movie in which a dialogue lasted more than two sentences. The whole time I kept reminiscing the wonderful Hot Shots: Part Deux, which is an excellent spoof of the Rambo movies.

The charity team is caught by the evil Burmese army, they were stupid enough to walk into a war zone so obviously they got caught. If there was a message in the movie it would be: live for nothing or kill everything. Like Rambo tells the terrified missionary lady you cannot change what is. Now its up to Rambo to rescue them. He does that by killing what seems to be the entire Burmese army. There were supposed to be only 100 hundred soldiers in the camp but there were definitely many times that number of dead bodies.

You might ask how this makes it a bad movie. Each killing scene is shot so realistically that after the first few you either go numb or run out of the movie hall or puke. Realistic gore is sometimes required to impress upon the audience the gravity of the scene like in the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. But when the whole movie is about showing the different ways in which people can be killed, about how blood and entrails can scatter and about how big guns can rip off heads and arms and cut bodies into pieces, it becomes deplorable. In fact violence is a lead character in the movie and it is pictured so well and with such commendable depth that by the end you are accustomed to it and accept it.

There were many people who told me that the movie was good because it was very realistic. Realistic? Really?? In which reality will any one person see hundreds of bodies torn apart in the span of an hour. There are so many shots after shots of shocking, intolerable violence that it grabs your attention and by the end of the ordeal you appreciate the movie forgetting the reason you found it interesting is very base. All the creativity that went into making of this gorefest was intended to shock the audience with socially unacceptable imagery and that makes it similar to porn.

That said there are many other movies with similar or even more morbid violence. The newly released Doomsday has a few scenes that challenge our tolerance limits. The cannibalistic punks of future roast a soldier alive before they cut him to pieces and eat him. But the plot of that tasteless movie is itself asinine and beyond reproach.

Tale of interviews: Interview Experiences Part Deux

I had two more interviews since the first part of this post. The first one was with NVIDIA. The interview call lasted all of 3 minutes and 34 seconds. The interviewer, a senior executive in the company, called me 11 minutes late. After some preliminaries he asked me what my areas of interest were - whether I preferred mobile or graphics team. I had to pick one and I picked mobile.

Then he said "AHA! But I am from the graphics team. Good bye. Take care." Well it was something like that. But he did mention that he would forward my resume to the other team and now I have got another interview call from the company. I hope it too wouldn't be an anticlimax with the interviewer referring me to yet another team.

And now about the second interview. It seems my performance in the Google interview wasn't that bad after all. I had my second interview round yesterday. Please note that there are usually only two rounds of interviews in Google and if I get through this one I would hit the jackpot. But of course I didn't do it well. Obviously that's the reason why I am posting this. Remember the Shakespearean verse, "All ye, pity not thy fate but blog thy misery till thee plague all ye mates". OK I will cut the non-sense and go right into the questions:

1) Write code to generate spam messages. You are given a passage. Jumble the words from the passage and make a message of arbitrary size. A simple example can make it clear. For example the passage can be "Jumble the words from the passage and make a message of arbitrary size. A simple example can make it clear. For example the passage can be". The generated message should contain words from the passage with each word being followed only by one of the words that follow it in the original passage, like in "passage can make a simple example the words from the passage".
2) Give test cases for this code.
3) What is the complexity of the code?
4) Do you know oops? Good. What is an interface?
5) When you type in an address in your browser what are the steps that results in the web page getting displayed?
 

I am not a cruel person and so won't make you read through my answers. I mean you just might laugh your guts out.

[Update 04/07/2008 : I got a reject from Google. On the bright side now I know that the universe is back to normal]

From 'Myths and Legends of India' by JM Macfie

"But when the outsider wonders how a people, bound hand and foot, as we reckon, to an unprofitable polytheism, can be so attractive in their daily lives, governed by principles of action which never seemed to influence their gods, he will find the explanation in the fact that the Hindu has lived a double life. When he returns to his home from the temple of Krishna, the god who played tricks ..............., the Hindu has no intention in most cases at least of following the example of gods who, with the exception of Rama, are possessed of lower moral qualities than his own. In fact, some of his holy books have already warned him of the danger of doing so............. He may not have risen to the conception of a God who is both righteous and pure. ............ But God fulfills himself in many ways, and India has heard God speaking to her soul, with the result that there has been expressed for her in living parable and legend that wonderful variety of moral teaching which has helped to make her people what they are."

This passage is from the preface of the book mentioned in the title. It struck me that this in a sense reflects an attribute of a motif in Hindu scriptures. All the parables and moral lessons are presented in such an exaggerated form that the follower has to understand the essence of the teachings before applying it. Whether it is about a demon who got too proud for his own good or a god who committed a terrible crime, he need only imbibe the moral maxims in them. By sometimes forcing this of the believer (at least some of them), I feel it gives them some leeway to be spiritually at peace. Even people who cannot agree to the basic tenets of the religion (like me) should be able to appreciate this fact about it. None of it seems to have been meant to be followed to the word and this is what contributes to the harmonious environment of the region. But as always there are the bad apples who take it upon themselves to be enforcers of their own (or their leader's) interpretations. We can always claim that as being characteristic of Kali Yuga, that is a very handy escape route.

Another excerpt that interested me, "The Indian, even the well- educated Indian, is only too often ignorant of his own treasures. They lie hidden in a mass of puerile and sometimes repulsive rubbish, while the practice of treating everything as equally inspired leads him, as it has led people of other countries, to reckon the jewel and the paste, the false and the true, as of equal worth." Very true. But only a non-believing scholar would make the above mentioned distinction. I mean, which believer is going to judge his faith?

How to find class rank from mean and standard deviation?

For some of the courses my TAs dont give the class rank, but only mean and standard deviation. But I can calculate my percentile from this information in the following manner:
1. Calculare standard score - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Z_score
2. From the table in http://www.medfriendly.com/standardscoretopercentileconversion.html you can find your score percentile. This is a measure of how many standard deviations away from the mean you are.

We thus calculate the percentile rank of a score which is the percentage of scores in its frequency distribution which are lower. A normal distribution of scores is assumed and hence this is an approximation. There are many people who have wanted this information and this post is as much for their benefit as for my future reference.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is an Italian movie!!

This is shocking. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is one of my favourites. I first watched it a long long time ago when I was in school and my father brought home the cassette tape of one of his favourite english movies. Little did he know that it was actually an Italian movie dubbed in English. Its incredible!

After the first time I watched it again several times and finally owned a VCD of it. It was in that version that one of my undergrad college buddies noticed that there seemed to be something wrong with the order in the initial intro sequence of the lead characters. The scene showing Tuco is titled The Bad while the one showing Angel Eyes is The Ugly. This was the opposite of what we knew and we even had wagers about who was what. Now after more than 5 years I have found an explanation for it. It seems the title of the Italian version was Il Buono, il brutto, il cattivo which translates to The Good, The Ugly, The Bad and the change in the ordering lead to a mistake when the international version was made.

I had noticed that there were a few lip sync issues in the movie, but I thought that it was because it is a pretty old movie. I knew that the director and music composer had Italian names. Even then I never guessed that it wasn't a hollywood movie because it had Clint Eastwood as the laconic, lone ranger kind of hero who was ironically called blondie. He with his cigar chewing and sharp shooting antics is the second most interesting attribute of the movie. The first is the enchanting sound track by Ennio Morricone. This is why these westerns are called spaghetti westerns. And I thought it was somehow related to people eating spaghetti while watching them.

I guess its the immense popularity of this movie that 'inspired' the creation of the hilarious Indian westerns. I have seen a few of the Tamil westerns and they put Quickgun Murugan to shame. I don't know what it is about watching pot-bellied actors riding horses in full western costume (like in a fancy dress competition) with background music that had people whistling and screaming trying to sound like an E. Morricone score, set in the incompatible landscape of the region that tickles my funny bone. I don't know if there are any Hindi movies like these, but considering how everything else is I am sure there are a few. Sholay is in fact in this category but I wont make fun of that movie. There is a very serious Malayalam movie called Thazvaram, by the master-director Bharathan, which has the feel of a western but without any horses. I wish there was a real western in malayalam with Prem Nazir as the 'Shee Aye D' cowboy and Adoor Bhazi as his sidekick. It would ofcourse have Sheela as the damsel in distress/female film prop and the master villian Jose Prakash as the village folk terrorizing dacoit. That would have been the acme of entertainment.

Stanislaw Lem

"We all know that we are material creatures, subject to the laws of physiology and physics, and not even the power of all our feelings combined can defeat those laws. All we can do is detest them. The age-old faith of lovers and poets in the power of love, stronger than death, that finis vitae sed non amoris, is a lie, useless and not even funny. So must one be resigned to being a clock that measures the passage of time, now out of order, now repaired, and whose mechanism generates despair and love as soon as its maker sets it going? Are we to grow used to the idea that every man relives ancient torments, which are all the more profound because they grow comic with repetition? That human existence should repeat itself, well and good, but that it should repeat itself like a hackneyed tune, or a record a drunkard keeps playing as he feeds coins into the jukebox"

I just now finished reading Solaris by Stanislaw Lem and this is my favourite passage from the book. It is an amazing novel. The story probes into the innards of the human psyche and is almost spiritual. There are a few portions when it gets too self absorbed and drags on about minute details of the subject matter that no reader can possibly be interested in. But otherwise it is very interesting especially the first half and the ending. The book is very different from the movie screenplay, but I guess that is expected.

Very few people know about this author. He is a polish author and the only sci-fi writer I know of from the erst while soviet block. There is a strange symmetry in that when in the 40's to 70's science fiction gained popularity among readers in the US and its allies, basically the English speaking world, there was a similar proliferation of sci-fi literature in the communist block. I had tried to get my hands on Lem's works when I was in India, but couldn't find it anywhere. I plan to read his other famous book The Cyberiad soon. But first I will read The Collected Stories by the titan among writers Arthur C Clarke who passed away earlier this week.

Interview experiences

Once upon a time there lived two giants Miso and Goog. They amassed great empires and were greedy to expand their realms. They were in need of minions to do their dirty biddings. Who they gonna call?

Yes I was fortunate enough to get interview calls from Microsoft and Google. This post is about how I wasted both the oppurtunities. Both were phone interviews. First was the MS interview. I wasn't very tense. I was absolutely unprepared and had infact taken a mid-day nap before it. And when the interviewer threw me an easy question to see if I was worth his while I was dumbstruck. I knew it was a very easy question, but I just couldnt answer it. Two weeks after the interview I got their reject mail. It was as expected.

After two more weeks I get an email from Google (everyones dream company) about an interview. Today, after another two weeks, the interview happened. It wasn't as bad as the MS one, but again I didn't perform well. What irks me is that this time I had over two weeks notice and I still botched it up. So a friendly advice to all readers - before applying for a job, start your preparation. What? You knew it already? Fine. OK OK. I am an idiot.

Heres an excerpt from the Google e-mail:

"Your technical phone interview may include questions from one or more of the following areas: coding, algorithms and design and problem solving. For more information on Algorithms you can visit:
http://www.topcoder.com/tc?module=Static&d1=tutorials&d2=alg_index

Don't forget to have an active dialogue with the interviewer and talk through how you are solving the problems throughout the interview. I recommend you spend some time exploring our website to get into the right mind frame. Google Labs is a good starting point and can be found at http://labs.google.com. I also recommend you take a look at our resume and interview tips pages as well at
http://www.google.com/support/jobs/bin/static.py?page=students.html&sid=tip"

The questions asked were:

MS -

1. Implement in Cpp Fibonacci number generation both recursively and non-recursively. Give their complexities.
   
2. Given two strings how would find the characters they have in common. Give complexity.
   
3. Give test cases for unit testing the algorithm above.
4. A lot of questions were asked about the projects in my resume.
   

Google -

1. Some basic questions about a project in my resume.
   
2. Given a set of coins of various denominations how would you find the minimum number of coins that is required to make up $x.
   
3. Given two strings determine if they are anagrams using O(n) algorithm.
   
4. Given a matrix of numbers with all rows sorted left to right and all columns sorted top to bottom, how would you find the position of a number x in the matrix. What is the complexity?

Links that you might useful if you are also preparing for interviews (will be expanded as I find more):
http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2008/03/get-that-job-at-google.html

Writing advice

Here are some useful tips I had read a while back:


VS Naipaul’s Rules for Beginners

1. Do not write long sentences. A sentence should not have more than ten or twelve words.
2. Each sentence should make a clear statement. It should add to the statement that went before. A good paragraph is a series of clear, linked statements.
3. Do not use big words. If your computer tells you that your average word is more than five letters long, there is something wrong. The use of small words compels you to think about what you are writing. Even difficult ideas can be broken down into small words.
4. Never use words whose meaning you are not sure of. If you break this rule you should look for other work.
5. The beginner should avoid using adjectives, except those of colour, size and number. Use as few adverbs as possible.
6. Avoid the abstract. Always go for the concrete.
7. Every day, for six months at least, practice writing in this way. Small words; short, clear, concrete sentences. It may be awkward, but it’s training you in the use of language. It may even be getting rid of the bad language habits you picked up at the university. You may go beyond these rules after you have thoroughly understood and mastered them.


Eight rules for writing fiction—Kurt Vonnegut

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

And no I didn't make these up. They are from:
http://indiauncut.com/iublog/article/vs-naipauls-advice-to-writers-rules-for-beginners/
http://indiauncut.com/iublog/article/eight-rules-for-writing-fiction-kurt-vonnegut/

Perhaps the best thing to do is to read a lot.

Spring Break

Ever since I got internet access I have pictured spring break as the time for.... well it involves T-shirts, water, bead necklaces and liquor along with a lot of other things. While witnessing such a spectacle would have been really refreshing, I would have settled even for something regular like an ordinary, uneventful day. But now I ve realized (I knew it already but I forgot) that having free time is not the same as having a fun time. I think the springs in my bed would want a break, these days I am either sleeping or trying to sleep most of the time. At other times I am on my LaZ Boy. Boy, I sure know how to waste time, mine and everybody else's who is reading this. Also please note that it took a lot of self restraint to resist the urge to add a smilie to this post.

Underappreciated movies

This is not a topic I have done extensive research on. I am just jotting down what comes to my mind now. There have been a number of times when I have felt that certain movies were unfairly treated at the box office and by the critics. I am trying to make more people aware of such movies. May be some of them will get a fan following like fight club did much after its release.



Kingdom of Heaven
An epic by Ridley Scott that bombed at the box office. Its probably the best period movie. There are a number of reasons that make this movie outstanding. Lets compare it with Gladiator, a smash hit movie by the same director. Kingdom of heaven has all the elements that made Gladiator a hit. The same production values, cinematography, music, direction, action scenes etc. The hero is of a different kind here, a more sophisticated kind.

Movies are usually not preachy. Audiences sure don't expect to get a morality lesson when they pay $ for a movie ticket. But I appreciate this movie for doing exactly that. The director and producers definitely showed they have a lot of balls when they released a movie showing Salahuddin as a Honorable king. Contrast that with Leonidas proclaiming that the Spartans were humanity's last hope against oppression and tyranny by Xerxes who is portrayed as a devilish dictator in 300. The movie strives to be politically correct with respect to the contemporary culture spectrum. Its message is very pertinent to todays international politics. It does all this and is an entertainer as well.



Idiocracy

The movie is set 500 hundred years in the future. It portrays a bleak time when mankind's future is threatened. The lead pair has to save humanity from certain extinction. Sounds like the usual science fiction fare? Well, this one is no science fiction. Its a comedy set in the future but is more of a satire of today's society than anything else. It shows a terrifying though unlikely vision of what might happen to us if things continue to be the way they are. I don't think it was intended to be a block-buster hit. It is a low budget movie and does not have a note worthy cast. No special effects or anything. What it does have is a fantastic storyline. And lots of toilet humor. Picture the US president as a tommy gun wielding wrestler and gatorade replacing water for everything everywhere and you will get an idea of what to expect.

Solaris
Another movie by a well known director with a star cast that flopped. It is called science fiction, but is more of a love story set in the future. Deeply philosophical and moving at times, it wonderfully portrays the emotions of the lead character. Should be watched when your mind is totally free so that you can get into the mood of the film.



Dark City
If you want proper science fiction this is probably it. Comparable even to The Matrix (not in SFX), with an equally enchanting and sophisticated story the movie did not find any audience. Its a very good movie and probably the most under appreciated in this list. All Sci-fi fans do yourselves a favour a watch it.



Iruvar
This is a Tamil movie. Directed by Mani Rathnam starring Mohanlal, Prakash Raj, Aishwarya Rai and Tabu among many others with music by AR Rahman and a story about MGR and Karunanidhi. You would think that with all these qualities it would be a sure shot hit. But somehow that didn't happen. Not even the excellent acting by Mohanlal, its melodious music and superb direction could make it more than a semi-hit. The performance by the entire cast including Rai is commendable. It should be regarded as one of the greatest Indian movies.

Other movies that deserve more attention:
Office space - Faithful portrayal of a modern day office and every office man's fantasy.
Big Lebowski - Everyone likes the Dude.
Before Sunrise - Superb script and a touching love story.
Rounders - An entertaining movie in which Matt Damon plays a gifted poker player.

TV shows - Stress test results - Part 2

Continuing with the amazing TV shows stress test results. I apologise to my readers who have had to wait for many hours for this sequel. You guys must have been sitting in front of your computer all the time. I hope you took toilet breaks. Its OK to feel that you have lost more than a day of your life, but I will not keep you waiting any longer.



Southpark
Definitely the most imaginative of all the series I have watched. But its selling point is toilet humor and that takes away a few points, cause not everyone enjoys it like I and other maladjusted guys (including its two creators) do. Sure the animation is crappy and every other word uttered by the eight year old lead characters is an expletive. Sure sometimes it's tasteless, racist and even repulsive. But you see thats the whole idea. Its a show like no other. Some of the episodes are social satires taking on issues that the rest of the entertainment industry avoids. They seem to draw inspiration from real life events. Nothing is off limits in this one as you might guess when you see that Jesus is a regular character.

To be fair I have to say that this cartoon series is more real than most TV shows. To add to its credits it has been running for 11 seasons and there was a smash hit movie made of it. If you don't mind toilet humor this definitely is the best series for you.



The Simpsons
Another long running cartoon series, this one with 19 seasons and more than 400 episodes. In my opinion its the quintessential American TV series. The usual storyline is Homer screws up and makes his family mad and by the end of the show he somehow fixes things. They even made a movie with the same theme and there is more than one simpsons PC game out there.

What makes it so successful? I guess there are a few good laughs in there. Good for regular watching.



Heroes
This X-men clone was interesting at first. I mean they have super heroes who wear their underwear the right way, thats something I think. But like many others it got boring as the series progressed. I lost interest in it and havn't watched the second season. Definitely bad test results.



My name is Earl
I like this one. The hero is a total loser. Hes not a charmer and his friends are all losers too. The two lead girls are pretty and that only adds points. Nice, simple plots and funny dialogues. The lead actor does get on my nerves sometimes with his put-on loser mannerisms, but mostly its good fun.

Definitely good for regular watching. It has enough variety to me keep interested enough to watch the remaining 43 episodes in a couple of days. (As you can see I am a very dedicated person)



30 Rock
Tina Fey is really funny and smart which makes her a rare kind of women IMHO. She is the only reason to watch this series. Alec Baldwin does shine once in a while. But the series has very little variety and fared almost poorly in the stress tests. Some of the supporting characters have irritated me so much that if I see those actors face to face I might slap their face.

Watch an episode once in a blue moon and you will be entertained, anything more is a waste of time.



The Office
Pretty good series actually. But themes have been repeating and some episodes are just not funny. Anyway I somehow got hooked onto the Pam-Jim office romance. I stopped watching it because I couldnt stand the micheal scott character anymore. That and the writer's strike meant I didn't have anymore episodes to watch.

Its good for regular watching and office goers will particularly enjoy it.


Series not worth mention (well almost not worth mention):

Californication - As far I could make out its about agent Fox Mulder fornicating with each and every girl he meets in California.

The Apprentice - You are FIRED.

Zombies in Shanti Nagar - part 1

Author's note: This one is a comedy that most people should be able to enjoy. It was the first story of mine that I let other people read (showing others my older creations would have got me locked up in a mental asylum). BTW I didn't draw this picture.



Every writer goes through a rough patch in life when he starts off with his career. It is usually a time when he is an unsociable ogre desperately trying to socialize in the hope of finding inspiration. Unfortunately his overdrawn monologues induce even his friends to run for their lives at the sight of him. Of course anybody would scatter when confronted by a pauper who wants to drink with him. Before my first best seller was published I was almost labeled an antisocial drunk.

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it. *

We, the accomplished writers, have certain patented techniques to help rookies through this exasperating period. I was employing one of these to scout for new ideas. I wanted to be inspired enough to write volumes incessantly. I would visit new places, listen to strangers’ conversations and even stare at interesting faces in the hope of finding a muse. I used to go to Corner House and join lively groups (of strangers) at their tables. I did that until the security kept a look out for me. The official term for this technique is ‘snooping around’.

The evening before I started writing my first magnum opus I had gone alone to my favorite restaurant. My roommate, who bathes so rarely that the plumbing clogs when he does, had raced to the bathroom when I asked him to accompany me. It seems he wanted a leisurely bath that evening and that he planned to remain under the shower until late at night. It did sound suspicious to me, but since he has done stranger things I did not force him further. Also the prospect of a roommate who didn’t stink intrigued me. I went to my neighbor to check if he was free. My neighbor is a very jolly fellow and we are good buddies. I knocked on his door. He opened the door and I could just make out his petrified face before he slammed it shut.

“Man……. I am on an important call now. Come later.”
“Hey! I didn’t see a phone in your hand.”
“I am using hands-free.”
“No you are not. I have your hands-free kit. OH! You bought a new one? I'll keep the old one then?”
“Keep it. Keep it. Just leave now.” It almost sounded like he was crying. Was he upset with me? Did he want back his iPOD and DVDs and the books and magazines and the trekking shoes, sports socks and ....? (that was all I could remember then). I never found out.

Time is money

I had to dash the final 100 m. The board with ‘Sea Shells’ embossed in blue neon allured me. I was panting by the time I reached the place. I scampered to the bar counter and in between gasps for breath ordered four drinks. I had just about made it. Happy hours get over at 8:30 p.m. and it was already 8:25 p.m. Content with myself for having valiantly saved some money I started ‘snooping around’ while leisurely sipping my drinks.

There was a young couple in the table next to mine. The pretty girl was wearing a bright red top and jeans and had the face of an angel. She was chatting excitedly with exaggerated expressions and gesticulations and the guy er.... the guy......er... I just remember that there was a guy. I had tried to listen to their conversation. She was talking about her friend's marriage and it started getting interesting as their conversation went into more controversial topics like soul mates, true love, live-ins etc. I thought I was about to get an interesting story when her mobile rang. And that was the end of it. She was on the phone for god knows how long, whispering and giggling like only girls can do. I got bored and decided to wait for other people to come. In the meanwhile I concentrated on my food and drinks.

“We are slivers of melting ice adrift in a gilded sea. Navigate through treacherous bubbling whirlpools and torpid froth to not sink into mediocrity. Eventually all fade into the sea without any trace of this journey called life so wade through all the muck and get to the lemons. Yeah, the sweet sour lemons.” I was almost philosophical while sucking the lemon slice in my long island iced tea.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen

I was rudely interrupted from my reverie by some commotion in the adjoining table. One guy was screaming profanities at a waiter. Something about not getting ice cubes for his drink. His companions were trying to mollify him but he didn’t budge and kept up his tirade. It was apparent that he was an idiot. Not all the ice in the world will get him to the lemons I thought and a bout of hysterical laughter took over me. Again I was rudely interrupted by him, but this time he muttered only one sentence. But the filth and grime contained in that one line will never wash off me. “YUCK.”

I quietly turned to the opposite side and searched for newcomers at the restaurant. It seems there was a cricket match that night and all the regular patrons were at home with asses glued on their couches and their eyes stuck to their TV sets. All the other tables except for one were empty. That table was strewn with a lot of empty glasses and was occupied by a shabbily dressed man with unkempt hair, an unshaven face and blood shot eyes. He was looking at me with keen interest like he was studying me. I realized that I was giving him the same look. As realization turned into recognition I abruptly diverted my gaze to the ceiling (surprisingly it seemed like he did the same). He was doing the same thing as me i.e. scouting for a muse in the guise of a desperately hopeless drunk and it even looked like we were in the same mental state. It felt very eerie right then, as if I had met a doppelganger.

“Will I explode if I touched him, like when a particle meets its anti-particle?” as I pondered this a waiter told me, as obsequiously as possible, that the bar was about to close. It was time to leave. Anyway there was no one there who could inspire me. Also I had only enough money for the return auto fare, one and a half of course. “May be the person who can make me write is not born yet”, I lamented.

* - Statistics show that many enterprising readers** in this country prefer 'self-help' books that profess time management and confidence building skills. The lines in bold are for their comfort and interest

** - Statistics also show that these readers are morons.

Zombies in Shanti Nagar - part 2

When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade

On the way back home my auto driver noticed the disappointment in my face.

“Love failurah?” he asked.
“Huh? Airport Road”, I hadn’t heard him properly at first.

His not so restrained chuckles made me feel uneasy. I was reminded of my own doings with the hot shot at Sea Shells. I realized that we are all the same, that we just had different ways of doing things. Couldn’t we all just get along? An idea was budding in my mind. I thought about my melting ice and lemons analogy and about the doppelganger. Ideas were piling up in my mind. I knew I was about to hit orbit and that a grand theory was taking shape, sort of like a unified theory of life. The rush of the exhilarating cerebral activity was awesome and it made me high. The fact that I was already high helped.

I had found my story. Only it was so profound that its ramifications would be felt for centuries to come. I was feeling very light and free. “May be this is what enlightenment feels like. This auto is to me like the tree was to Buddha.” I placed a hand on the auto driver’s shoulder and told him that he was very lucky. It was his turn to feel uneasy.

In the end, dear friend, it is always between us and God *

Zombies were coming down the stairs in my grandma's house. Few of my relatives where screaming with terror while others were whimpering and groveling on the floor. This new reality, where zombies invade homes, was beyond their comprehension. There was only one who could maintain his composure, me (did u doubt that?). They say that circumstances make heroes; well this was when I turned into one. I knew we had to fight them and as the bravest of the lot the responsibility fell on me. Orders were given and executed. Barricades were made to block the staircase, but I knew it wouldn't hold them back forever **. I would have to fight the zombies and protect those innocent relatives of mine (under normal circumstances we are mortal enemies, but when confronted by creatures from the nether world I realized that blood is thicker than .......eh whatever ooze flows through zombie's veins).

The barricades were interspersed with items from the pooja room, in the hope that the holy objects would repel the zombies. This kept the monsters at bay for a short while but then their numbers were too high. The barricades were breached. It was time for confrontation. The elite corps chosen by me was already in formation at the battle front waiting for my command.

“Go back to hell you creatures from ......eh........... hell. GO TO HELL I SAY. THEY MIGHT TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR....... our...........take us?”, I almost sounded like Mel Gibson when I said that.

Then I signaled the elite corps, comprised of my aunts and uncles, to begin their battle maneuvers. And one by one, all at different times, they started singing “Krishna ne beganne baro...” The raging cacophony horrified the zombies. Their pathetic screams goaded us on and we sang the bhajan with more conviction.

“Religion is the reason......” that was me. I only knew the words from the colonial cousin's song. Everyone stopped singing. Then all as one pointed fingers at me and laughed like there was no tomorrow. Even the zombies had stopped their howling to guffaw at me. But a very loud rumbling was masking all the other sounds. It was overwhelming and demanded immediate attention. Who or what was making that noise? And then I woke up.

The rumbling was from my tummy, massive hangover you see. When I had got home the previous night I was too tired to write anything. So I had decided to have a good night's sleep and write down my unified theory of life in the morning after getting fresh. But then while sitting on the toilet trying to recollect the previous nights events I could not remember the theory at all. I could remember everything else but the theory seemed to have vanished from my mind.

“My chance for success ruined.... It was just a dream anyway”, and then it came back to me - the dream, the zombie nightmare. I thought that it was actually an interesting story and that with sufficient embellishments it could be turned into an unputdownable thriller. And so I started with my first novel “Zombies in Shanti Nagar.”

* - Statistics show that .... er......I think that most readers prefer stories with a twist at the end. Get ready for a very twisted ending

** - No matter how strong the barricades are the zombies will always break in somehow................ as has been proved through the dime a dozen zombie movies.

TV shows - Stress test results - Part 1

I havn't had a TV for most of this year and for entertainment I watch TV shows on my laptop. I watched the entire episodes of season 2  & 3 of Lost in 3 days. I consider that an achievement, but unfortunately I cannot put things like that in my resume. So I am going to brag about it in my blog. Watching episodes back to back is in my opinion a kind of abusive stress test. That is when recurrent ideas in these shows become apparent and the jokes just aren't funny anymore. It really tests the script writer's variety.

Just remember that I am being magnanimous by sharing the results of my stress tests here. Who knows this might really turn someones life around. So here goes.

Lost
Pretty good series and probably the one with the highest ratings. Excellent production values and cast. Season 1 was very good. Each episode was like a block buster hollywood movie with many thrills and fresh ideas. But then seasons 2 just dragged on with nothing worth mentioning. In season 1, the viewers were clueless as to whether it was science fiction or fantasy. But protracting that theme made it boring. May be the writers themselves were clueless. The recurrent themes such as the impending strife between Jack and Locke, new characters appearing out of nowhere and disappearing at the same pace they came and the invincibility of the 'others' started annoying me. But towards the end of season 3 with many more plot revelations things got interesting. The ongoing season 4 sees a lot of new experiments, new characters and plot twists. Also they introduced the new format of putting something like subtitles to explain the plot intricacies (but sometimes they overdo it). They seem to have successfully catered to several audiences at once. Its got romance, violence, science fiction and spirituality. It even had a few court room scenes (US viewers love that).

All said I feel the initial excitement and intrigue is starting to wear down and I might not watch the forthcoming episodes. Nah.....who am I kidding?



Scrubs
Everyone likes to watch a show about losers. Scrubs is yet another of those shows. Although all the lead characters are doctors or medical interns, they have enough quirkiness to make people forget that fact. This show fared very poorly in the stress test. In fact I think they repeated a season 3 episode in season 5. The first season was entertaining but it got too repetitive and predictable after that.

I don't recommend it even for regular watching. Watching an episode once in a while is fine. And the acting isn't great either. I guess they ran out of ideas and resorted to gimmicks (like making poor Dr. Elliot get a boob job).



How I met your mother
Belongs to the same category as scrubs. Its about a bunch of friends who meet regularly at a bar (as opposed to a coffee shop). Few of the episodes are funny and there are a lot of crazy ideas by Barney, but the episodes all seem too familiar. I mean apart from a few highlights there is not much else to watch out for. And sometimes the idiosyncrasies of the characters are really annoying. It must be an attempt to make them more realistic but that is not the end effect. I used to like Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie howser) before I watched this show.



The Big Bang Theory
I would give this one five stars. Hmm...... I didn't give any stars to the others, did I? . But anyway this new series is very promising. I don't think theres any other series like it. It has geeks as heroes. Not as a tease like in revenge of the nerds, but really the lead characters are all geeks. A beautiful (but slightly dumb in a blond kind of way) Kaley Cuoco moves in next door to two Caltech physicists and they and their two friends begin to have new experiences. I guess I really like this one cause I identify with these characters very well. When I am not leonard or Sheldon I am Koothrappali.

The Indian geek Koothrappali is a very believable portrayal of a desi student in the US. Kudos to the writers for that. They deserve applause for not succumbing to employing the stereotype. A very entertaining show indeed. That said there have been only eight episodes of it so far and it might be presumptuous of me to give it such a high rating. But I enjoyed those eight very much.

Chicken Biriyani for the lazies

All hail the chicken biriyani. The undisputed king of all dishes is not that hard to cook, but it did take me some time to figure out this recipe. Though I tell everyone that it is Hyderabadi dum biriyani, it's actually my own recipe. Guess I should win an award or something.
"I would like to dedicate this to my tummy, for guiding me and having faith in me. Even when I wanted to quit and have just pickles and curd rice, my tummy urged me to do more, to invent....." that would be my acceptance speech.

Anyways here is the easy to make biriyani recipe. Do the whole procedure in medium flame. Best if had with raitha, curd or boiled egg.

1. Pour about quarter a cup of oil into a cooker and put spices (for the uninitiated - elaichi, cloves and a lot of other smelly stuff) into it. If you don't have the spices you can still make the biriyani, but it won't smell exotic. Fry till you can smell the aroma. If you have cashews put them in too.
2.Put in a big onion. And remember it is very important to cut the onion before doing this. Add turmeric, coriander/cumin powder (less than 1 tea spoon each) and two large green chillies slit vertically. Add a chunk of butter into it and a few cilantro leaves. Stir fry till the onions look fried.
3. Add 1 tea spoon of ginger-garlic paste and half a big tomato. If you don't know how big a big tomato is, know that its just a bit smaller than a big onion. Fry till they form a paste.
4. Put the pieces of chicken into the paste. Add eight and three quarter tea spoons of water or an equivalent quantity of curd/plain yogurt. Add three teaspoons of biriyani masala and two tea spoons of salt. Stir till the liquid is almost boiled away.
5. Add two cups of rice (long grain/sona masoori/basmati) and four cups of water and mix well.
6. Now is the tough part. You have to taste your concoction and see if there is enough salt. Add it in quanta of half teaspoons, tasting it each time, till it is just salty. Overdo this and you can throw the whole thing into the garbage or punish stray dogs by letting them eat it.
7. Close the cooker and wait for one whistle. Switch off the stove (hmm....... did I tell you to switch it on first?). After about ten minutes open it and let it cool for another fifteen minutes.
8. Eat it.

Tales from Azeroth: The Betrayal

Author's note: This one is set in the WoW mythos, but has a lot of deviations from it. Anyway it is self contained and so it doesn't matter if you are thinking wtf is WoW (but shame on you).

Through the nether world his spirit had wandered, reckless with vengeance and madness. The gleaming specks of his miasmic spirit bled through a portal ablaze in lightning fire and surged onto his decaying body. The blind half – demon, half - elven warrior had been resurrected. The twin blades that lay on his chest seemed to throb with electric energy. He slid his fingers into its hand grips like they had done countless times before. The betrayer had awoken.

“Who dares awaken me?” thundered Illidan Stormrage. “I am the rogue, the betrayer, the demon who was once an elf. My whole life was a play of hatred and bitterness. When I died no one mourned me....... and now you resurrect me? What does this mean? Who is foolish enough to bring this wretched being back from the dead?”

“It was I.” The voice had a shrillness that could pause any passing creature's heart. It came from everywhere, as if a hundred wisps all around sang in unison. Far from being pleasant it evoked images of slithering serpents with their fangs grating against each other's scales. It came from a banshee. “I am Sylvanas Windrunner, the Queen of the Forsaken. Once a revered elven warrior much like you, but cursed into a fate worse than death – into undeath.”

“And what do you want?” rasped the demon elf.

“Why? The same thing that you want.........” The banshee's eyes were orbs of green flames as she hissed through gritted teeth, “VENGEANCE”.

______


“Priestess, the Lich king's undead army has breached the alliance's defenses. It is only a matter of a few days before they reach the Moonglade forest and disrupt our beloved druids' slumber.”

“Good work huntress........ leave me now.” The priestess, Tyrande, had dreadful secrets that she could not reveal even to her trusted sentinels. She was expecting her scout owl to return any moment with news from the banshee territory. The fair elf was fondly called the priestess though she was the titular head of the night elves. Her beauty had been sung about in lands afar. It had once made two of the most powerful elves quarrel. The Stormrage twins were both in love with her, but she chose the wise druid Malfurion Stormrage and married him.

Malfurion was now drifting in the transcendent emerald dream rejuvenating his powers. He was to be aroused on the day of solstice that was just three days away. The savior of the people could then fulfill his duty and stem the surge of the Lich king's scourge. But until then he could not be troubled or he would be forever in a vegetate state. The undead scourge was advancing, relentlessly slaughtering and enlisting anyone who opposed them, for the scourge turned their kill into the undead. The Moonglade forest, where Malfurion and his fellow druids were recuperating would soon be blighted and infested with the undead minions of the Lich king. Malfurion would be killed and there would not be a champion left to rescue their world.

As Tyrande gazed out of her citadel's window her brow was wrinkled. She knew that there was almost no hope left of rescuing her people, her forest and above all of Malfurion. The Lich king had outwitted and overpowered her forces at every turn. Now was her last chance and she prayed that she would be more fortunate. She only needed to hold on for another three days, but that seemed impossible.

______


“You are an incompetent fool!”, cried the Lich king.

“Your majesty..... haven't I served you well?” Anub'arak the chief lieutenant reminded him.

“Then why do we have so many setbacks? Azeroth should have been conquered by now.”

“We cannot fail ...... you are almost a god.”

“Yes. Soon I will be a god. But now my army is too far away for me to control telepathically. I, myself will go to the battlefront and put an end to this pathetic resistance by the alliance,” thundered the king. “Make sure that everyone knows of my plans. The puny alliance will tremble on hearing these tidings...... they shall be devoid of all hope long before I unsheathe my sword in battle.”

The undead scourge unleashed their blood lust on the defending alliance champions with renewed gusto as emissaries brought forth the tidings of the Lich king's impending entry onto the battle field. And soon the alliance came to know their doom, that the invincible tyrant would conquer the elven territory and blight their holy forests.

______


“You remember Tyrande don't you?” the banshee teased Illidan.

“Of course, more than anything else.”

“Then hear this........ she is presently in terrible danger. She, as the commander of the alliance is the biggest obstacle to the Lich king's plans and he will see to it that it doesn't remain that way.”

“What are you saying?” Illidan was perturbed.

“The Lich king himself is entering the battle. Your brother Malfurion is recuperating in the emerald dream. There is no one left who can face the Lich king......... except you.”

“Me? He defeated me once before...... and he is several multitudes stronger now........” shouted a perplexed Illidan.

“Your demon avatar is impervious to his new powers...... and you will not face him alone this time. I have enough reasons for joining you. The wretched bastard did this to me, turned me into a banshee.”

“All right. I will go with you. What is your plan?” he asked.

The banshee related to him the events that had transpired since his death and then the details of her plan. They would go to the fringes of the Lich king's continent kingdom, Northrend, and infiltrate the undead troops. They would then intercept him on his way into the elven territory and assassinate him. The undead scourge would crumble without their leader and the future of the living on Azeroth would be safe.

“Illidan, this is your chance to redeem your honour, to save your loved ones.......”

“ENOUGH! Your platitudes do not sway me. I doubt if your insipid plan will succeed. But I will still do it...... I owe it to my brother and Tyr-........ his wife, the only people I care about in this miserable world. I shall play along and if your plan fails, it wouldn't the first time that I die.”

“Good..... and this is not my plan. It was Tyrande who requested me to resurrect you using my knowledge of necromancy. I have informed her scouts about my success with the necromantic rite.” Sylvanas noticed the disbelief in his face when she said, “She should be here soon.”

______


Mighty Malfurion floated over placid forests enveloped in a verdant bubble. An omnipresent force of limitless energy pounded on the circumference of the diaphanous bubble seeking an orifice. But inside Malfurion was calm. In fact he was meditating. He or rather his mind was in the emerald dream, the dimension where the mind was all that mattered. For eons creatures with fragile old bodies had retreated their surfeited minds into its calm and yet stimulating environment. There their thoughts could resonate helping their minds cogitate at an explosive pace. The emerald dream had thus turned into the biggest repository of wisdom and knowledge. But no one could enter it without the key keeper's, the great red dragon's, consent for the infinitely potent force would obliterate all infiltrators.

In the emerald dream Malfurion had the counsel of the wisest minds ever in Azeroth. Every moment he learned more about the true nature of power, about the origins of strength and magic. In a few days he would know enough to transform nature itself. Then he would be not only the keeper of the grove but its maker too. On the day of the solstice, when Elune's stellar powers are in its most untainted form he could recede from the emerald dream and revisit the real world. No one could then threaten the fate of the living in his world for he could turn the world itself against them.

______


He was still haunted by her tears; the shame and repent was overwhelming. More than ten thousand years ago Illidan had betrayed the elves to demons. He was so enamored by Tyrande that in his desperation he betrayed everyone to win her as booty. When Malfurion had caught him during his insane act, he was heartbroken too. But then he sentenced Illidan to be imprisoned forever, until due to a string of fortuitous events he was finally released. But by then he had spent a mind numbingly torturous ten thousand years in a dungeon. And even after he tried all he could to make up for his past mistake no one showed him any compassion or mercy.

He was not sure if his second life would be any different. He was needed for his powers and extraordinary talent for violence. When that need was over what would happen? Would he be shunned again? Illidan's desultory reverie was interrupted by the voice that he would have heard even if he was dead.

“Illidan. Thank you for doing this.” It was Tyrande.

“Tyrande!....... I am glad to see you again.”

“There is no time for conformities. You carry the fate of Azeroth on your shoulders. Pray the gods be with you.”

“I know what I have to do.” Illidan felt fatigued. He felt he was destined for self destruction. If the Lich king doesn't kill him then the remainder of his despondent solitary life might be worse than death itself.

“It is good to have you back Illidan..........,” said Tyrande looking genuinely glad. And then they deliberated their plans and decided on the details.

______


Illidan was soaring over the ice continent, Northrend. The wind chill would have frozen the tears in his eyes if he had had eyes. Sylvanas was a zooming purple blur next to him. They were on route to Netherport where the Lich king was thought to have camped before his journey to the Moonglade forest. He smelled acrid smoke from somewhere below and flew towards it. A party of necromancers were engaged in a sacrificial rite of self mutilation and cannibalism. Acolytes were hovering around them eager to sacrifice themselves hoping to attain undeath. Decomposing carcases lay splattered on the putrid ground. Illidan had known before the morbidity of these bands of undead and his reaction now was the same as always.

“DIE, FOOLS” he bellowed. His twin blades were more than eager to slice through the flesh of the necromancers and their lackeys. It had been a long time since a kill and his body and mind, being tuned for the purpose, reveled at the opportunity. Within minutes he decimated them all.

“You are the fool! Now everyone here will know of our arrival,” cried Sylvanas.

“I needed to do that.... Besides they were an isolated band. It's going to be sometime before we are discovered.” a calm Illidan replied.

But he was wrong. His audacity had endangered him once again. The ground below him shook in tremors. The blighted land cracked as hundreds of arachnoid warriors emerged from underground. At the center of the group was a giant ant covered with spiky appendages and mandibles the size of Illidan's arms.

“Illidan this time you DIE,” it announced.

“Anub'arak!” cried a shocked Illidan. The hideous monster was almost as despised and feared as his master, the Lich king. Illidan quickly transformed into his demon avatar and a terrifying battle ensued. Sylvanas surrounded herself with the arachnoids whose souls she magically possessed. Protecting herself thus she slew several undead warriors with her uncanny archery skills. Illidan, seemingly in a demoniac frenzy, went on a rampage killing all in his sight. Though he was targeted by the entire company, his magic shield protected him. He leveled many of the undead by summoning the flames of hell onto them. Finally Anub'arak and Illidan came face to face.

Both adversaries were adept at magic and their fight appeared to be a pyrotechnic spectacle. The ricochets from their clashing curses pulverized their surroundings. Eventually all but Slyvanas, Illidan and Anub'arak had perished. Anub'arak was beginning to show fatigue when Slyvanas aimed her flame tipped arrow at him. But she never fired the weapon. She was suddenly engulfed in flames that inexplicably emerged from the air around her. Her pitiable screams alerted Illidan, but to no avail as she was quickly reduced to ashes. The tyrant Lich king had manifested in front of Illidan shielding Anub'arak.

“Your persistence is impressive,” said a voice that clearly bespoke the unrivaled power of its source. “Before you try anything foolish listen to what I say.”

“I am here to kill you,” shouted an enraged Illidan before he pounced on the Lich king.

The Lich king effortlessly fended off the attack. He drew his magnificent sword and said, “If you insist I can play with you for some time. After all that is what you are here to do, to delay me.”

After many more futile lunges Illidan said between gasps, “No I am here to rid this world of you.” He used his twin blades both to attack and parry the Lich king's lurches.

“My powers have grown dramatically since the last time we had a bout. Apart from my boundless magical powers, I also posses unparalleled physical strength. You cannot hope to even scar me. Everyone in the alliance knows this. Hence I surmise that you must be here to delay me.”

“No, I can kill you. I am immune to your magic...”

“And I am immune to yours. You might as well give up elf. Did you really think that you can defeat me? I didn't think so..... thats why you are still alive. I want you to join me, why do you side with the people who hate you the most? You know you have no place in Azeroth as long as they are here. With me your powers will be respected. As I conquer other worlds you will be the champion of my army.” The Lich king put up an impassive face masking the weariness he felt.

Though Illidan was exhausted he did not give up his fight. He screamed, “Never..... I have not lost my mind. I will not betray Tyrande.”

The Lich king laughed out wickedly and using his most sympathetic tone he said, “Tyrande? She send you here? Isn't it obvious that she has used you as a ploy? She wants to delay me until Malfurion returns from the Emerald dream. What you don't realize and what she knows is that my telepathic powers are now so strong that I can sense whatever happens anywhere on Azeroth.”

They both stood still and regarded each other. The Lich king acutely observed Illidan as he said, “You see, if your plan was to surprise me with a stealth attack you had no hope from the beginning. I knew of your arrival the moment you set foot on Northrend. She too knows the fallacy of your plan. You have been used by an elf trying to save her love.” The Lich king's countenance did not betray his guile and trickery. He could subvert anyone.

“I don't believe it.....” Illidan was dismayed. But he realized that everything he had heard was logically sound.

“You can join me and have the life you deserve or die a painful death. Your first task as my lieutenant would be to return to moonglade forest and slaughter your brother. If you need to, tell your brethren that you killed me.”

Illidan was in a dilemma. It was heart wrenching to know that he had been betrayed, but he still had feelings of loyalty and some residual love for his brother and Tyrande. She could not do something so cruel, could she? But he knew that nothing could be said of the atrocities people could commit for the sake of their loved ones. He himself had once left the realm of reason and sinned terribly for the eternal company of his love. Was he really just a pawn? His whole body shook from the gravity of this revelation.

“ILLIDAN. Do you swear your allegiance? Will you murder your brother and take revenge on Tyrande?” asked the devious Lich king.

______


Tyrande was preaching a sermon when she felt desperation inexplicably creep up on her. She shuddered and tears ran down her cheeks as she sensed that something terrible had happened. The world moaned the departure of one of its greatest souls. A Stromrage twin had died.

The vilification of Tyler

Author's note: This one is not my best and frankly was meant to be depressing. And I used all  of my vocabulary in it, which I now feel was supererogatory (see what I mean?). So keep your dictionary software open.

The herald in red velvet announced “All rise. Queen Marla, ruler of the empire of Kaglash arrives.”

All eyes turned towards the entrance of the court as the beautiful Queen walked regally through it to her throne. As always her sight evoked awe, envy, treachery, devotion and love in those eyes. Thufir, the chief of royal security, watched them with engrossment. He was thinking of what the herald had announced. Only the day before she had been just Queen Marla, not the ruler of the empire. The king Lukkan had died in battle leaving her the burden of ruling his vast kingdom. He remembered that she had been just a callow young princess of the nearby kingdom of Zentyr when Lukkan had proposed to her a year ago. Now the responsibility of a sovereign of state was abruptly cast on her leaving her little time to even mourn her husband's death. Will she live up to our expectations?

Marla was concentrating on performing her duties. But she found it exceedingly daunting as her will was being drained by the effort it took to hold back the whirl storm, the wailing dirge that was emanating at the back of her mind. Her king and his entourage had been slaughtered in an ambush. The discontented populace of the kingdoms he had amassed in his tireless expansionist campaign looked up to her with hope of peace. The royal counsel had advised her of the cabal of noblemen and traders who were, at that opportune moment, plotting to overthrow her. Already there was talk of a usurper in their midst, someone who had betrayed the king’s war plans to his enemies. She felt weariness that she knew only sleep could obviate, but she could not afford that luxury.

A lot of ruckus coming from a corner of the room attracted her attention. Thufir was hustling through the court towards Marla’s throne.

“Your Highness, we have received credible reports that an assassin has been planted in the court. We have to search everyone”, Thufir whispered.

Even though he did not appear perturbed Marla could see the nervousness in his darting glances. With utmost restrain she intoned, “Do the needful.”

Thufir ordered the royal guard to cordon off the hall and bar all exits. Everyone would be frisked irrespective of their rank or status. Marla was observing her subjects, looking for signs of resignation, fear or cowardice when a sudden movement caught her eye. The court jester was being restrained by several guards while he was maniacally shouting inanities and trying to resist them. Thufir brought forth the jester towards her. He held a dagger in his hand.

“He had this on him. I cannot imagine what he planned to do with it”, he growled.

“The rascal, I know him; he always made us laugh with his histrionics. All the while he was plotting against me? The obscenity…..” The thought of her and her king laughing at his jokes and performances seemed repugnant.

Her enemies would be watching her, she knew, and they would judge her from her reaction. She had to show them her resolve. She had to set an example.

“This man is to be hanged unto death at dawn tomorrow. Find out who hired him and mete out the same punishment to them. Now get him out of here.” Marla tried to overcome the revulsion she felt, there were impending affairs of the kingdom to deal with.

The queen’s orders were executed expeditiously. As the sun rose the next day Thufir was standing on the ramparts of the castle overseeing the hanging. The court jester, whose name was Tyler, trembled and sobbed violently as he was led to the gallows. In comparison the other prisoner, they had found one more assassin in the hall the previous night, was calm and reticent as he went about the requisite formalities. Thufir found it highly unusual that there were two assassins in the hall. All through the night he had pondered the weirdness of the situation. He regarded himself as an excellent judge of character; after all he had reached his current post at a prodigious pace only on account of his shrewd manipulative nature. But no matter how much he ruminated he just could not make out Tyler to be an assassin. The fact that he was a court jester only made things queerer. Was he partaking in a blunder?

The other assassin was undoubtedly a true ruffian. He had on him several blades and had slashed at one of the guards who had tried to shackle him. He was disguised as a member of the priesthood and had sneaked in among the retinue of the high priest. During his interrogation Thufir had noticed several hideous scars on him and like any other mercenary he had revealed all he knew about his employers after very light torture. But Tyler’s interrogation was a different story. His claim that his weapon was meant to protect the queen seemed specious. Even when faced with inhumanely bloody torment he repeated the same babble about being innocent and never harming anybody and loving the kingdom and queen. But he did not appear to be a hardened murderer. Physically he was emaciated and some of his muscles had atrophied due to lack of recent physical activity. Were their enemies so parsimonious as to risk hiring a tyro?

After the hanging had concluded Thufir went into his office to reflect on the case. Based on the leads he had he knew that the assassins or assassin was hired by a duke who apparently was an intermediary of their enemies. The assassin was a loner with no known family. Tyler on the other hand had a family; his mother and sister were in the neighboring kingdom of Zentyr. He had been a minor attendant at the pantry in the palace of the king of Zentyr till he moved to Kaglash about a year ago and joined the group of court jesters there. Thufir thought his family could shed some light on him and they had been brought to the castle and were being questioned. The investigators had also retrieved from his house a few artifacts belonging to Tyler. They were placed on his desk and he went through them one by one. Books, trinkets and several other inconsequential private items constituted the bulk of it.

There was a battered old journal among them. Thufir leafed through the pages and randomly read passages from it. He was alarmed at first and then enraged.

“Utter gibberish” he grumbled, “Insanity….” He hurled the journal into the fire place and after returning to his seat quaffed down the steaming cup of tea that was on his desk. He had not been so discomfited in recent times. He hollered for his adjutant and enquired about the court jester’s family whom they had incarcerated. The mother had not survived the torture during her interrogation but the sister was still alive.

“Release her immediately and issue a statement that the court jester Tyler was mentally unsound” Thufir ordered, “and that he was a ……….bong addict who in an inebriated state had tried to harm our beloved queen.” He could not help but chuckle when he said that. He had lied.

“Ridicule that which you cannot accept,” he thought. Thufir painfully recalled the torture that Tyler had been subjected to. His guttural, almost bestial screams were echoing in his mind. Thufir knew he wouldn't be able to sleep well for many days.

Pages of the court jester’s journal had begun to char among crackling embers in the fire place. It had opened at a dog eared page and the hurriedly scrawled ravings of the court jester were transiently visible before turning into ash. It read,

“I know that pouring forth my misery is to no avail. It has always only made me sink deeper into depression and hence I refrain from dwelling on my sentiments. Today I had an insight into the crux of my quandary. It rained today, a pleasant drizzle that lasted for hours and I gazed out the window relishing every moment of it. I felt a longing to go out for a walk in the rain. Then I noticed that there were other faces too, looking out through the gloomy windows along my street. Did they also desire the same? To loose all inhibitions and play in the rain? When the drizzling stopped I felt disappointment for losing an opportunity to enjoy myself. And then I related the situation to my cursed fate.”

“Isn't the disappointment in my life an extrapolation of this feeling of loss? I think that abnegating myself the experiences that my senses crave for has had the same consequence, but in a larger scale. It is impossibly taxing to be unable to reach out and touch the object I desire even when only inches have to be traversed. Protracting this act of self-denial even though it goes against each and every instinct engraved in my bones seems to have ultimately disintegrated my mind into its basic primordial constituents. I have to forsake my instincts and rely absolutely on my disjointed intellect whenever I have the strength for it.”

“Am I turning into an automaton? Should I live my life as if it is a preprogrammed ritual? I feel the routine I follow day after day is a violation of my self, a slow but unwavering destruction or self imposed decay of my soul. I sense little, there is only a numbness that dilutes all my sentient emotions. But the numbness is overwhelming and every moment it threatens to devour the dregs of my personality that have somehow persisted. It feels as if my consciousness has been dulled and my soul has withdrawn into another realm, watching my pathetic life impassively, sensing emotions vicariously.”

“They say that the destitute crave for a revolution with the hope of ameliorating their life in the process. Well, I am destitute as I have been feeling utterly worthless for years now. I know that due to my shortcomings I will never attain my prize, but I have an irrepressible hope for a change, a revolution that will overturn the current circumstances.”

“In any case she needs all the help she can get now, she needs it now more than ever. I will not let any harm come to her. I am no soldier but I must do what I can to help and protect her.”

That had been the last entry Tyler had made in his private journal and it was now lost forever.

______


The herald in red velvet had announced “All rise. Queen Marla, ruler of the empire of Kaglash arrives.”

All eyes had turned towards the entrance of the court as the beautiful Queen walked regally through it to her throne. As always her sight had evoked awe, envy, treachery, devotion and love in those eyes. Tyler had been eagerly waiting for that moment and as the queen entered he had watched her with only love in his eyes, boundless but unrequited love.